


i'm off the deep end, watch as i dive in

by aelisheva



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Little Mermaid Elements, MerMay, MerMay 2019, Multi, behold! the weirdest thing i've ever written, dave is a human prince and patch is the captain of his royal guard, fantasy/fairytale au, it may be stupid but it's also dumb, the one where the hargreeves family are merpeople, they bond over dating into the hargreeves family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-02-28 05:47:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18750238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelisheva/pseuds/aelisheva
Summary: The good news? Diego and Klaus are each dating cute humans now!The bad news? Said humans don't know they're merpeople. Talk about catfishing, jeez.





	1. Chapter One

Over the years, Diego had realized that being the son of the Sea King really did have its perks. Sure, Luther was the one in charge of the kingdom now that Dad had died (even though he sucked as king and anyone would be better than him). But at least Diego and his siblings actually had all the free time in the world to do whatever they wanted.

“Wow, it’s such a lovely day outside. It’d be a shame if I missed it because I had to draft up a new treaty,” Diego mocked from across the breakfast table. 

Five snorted, then stuck some red and blue berries on his fork that were the same colors as his betta fish tail. “Yeah, Your Highness, have fun poring over that thing for three hours.”

Luther rolled his eyes. “Have fun making out with that sunken stone statue for three hours.”

“Don’t you dare bring Dolores into this! Right, Allison?”

“Um, why don’t we just debate this after breakfast?” she asked diplomatically, silver scales flashing. “I really don’t want anyone to flip a table again.”

Vanya thumped a leg of the table with her navy blue fin. “Well, this new one’s bolted to the ground, so I don’t think that’ll happen. Unless Ben somehow gets it loose with his squid tentacles.”

“Why would I do that in the first place?”

“I don’t know.”

“Besides, I have much better things to dismember,” Ben cracked.

“As long as you don’t dismember me,” Klaus piped up, scratching an itch on his black-scaled tail, “seeing as Diego and I have plans this afternoon.”  
“What plans?” Luther asked, thumping his manatee tail on the ground. “Talking even more shit about me behind my back?”

“Well, besides that,” Diego answered, “Klaus and I are going people-watching near the surface.”  
\---  
As it turned out, not many people in the human kingdom above really took walks in the morning. Since the two siblings had no other plans, Klaus started skipping rocks and Diego started making lazy circles underwater with his gray shark tail.

“I’m all out of rocks,” Klaus suddenly piped up, “I’m going below surface to get some more.”

Suddenly, Diego was left alone to perch his arms on a rock littered by shells, while his tail half still waved around underwater. Out of sheer boredom, he decided to try to whittle one into a new knife. If he used the rock to chip the shell at just the right angle --

“I don’t think that’s gonna work,” called a voice from the shoreline twenty feet away, who definitely wasn’t Klaus. 

Diego looked up to see this stranger and -- oh. He was looking straight into the eyes of the most gorgeous human he’d ever seen. “Well….well, uh, how would...how would you know? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“I’m on the Royal Guard, so I’m a girl who knows her way around a knife,” she laughed. “I’m Patch, by the way.”

“Diego.”

"You know, it just might be because I mostly hang around the castle, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around the kingdom before….”

“Well, that’s because I’m --” Half shark and can’t breathe on land, he thought. “I’m just here visiting family for the summer,” he said out loud. “The...Castañeda family, they live waaay on the outskirts of the capital. Very far from this beach. No need to look them up,” he quickly added.

“I wasn’t going to?”

“Oh. Alright. I just thought you were curious about them…”

“No, not really.” She blinked. “I’m sorry, that sounded really mean. What I meant was that I’d rather get to know you better one on --- aah!”

Diego also barely held back a shout as Klaus popped up to the surface next to him (luckily, his tail wasn’t visible to Patch either), and shook out his wet hair like a dogfish. “Hey Diego, what’s shaking?”

“Diego, who is this?”

"That’s Klaus, I’m his brother.” He narrowed his eyes. “We’re siblings through adoption only.”

“Wow, never heard you use that one before.”

Bells rang out from the church in the human village -- eleven o'clock in the morning.

Patch shook her head. “Oh my god - my break’s over, I have to get back to my post. I’m training new guards today and I can’t be late and give them the wrong impression.” She turned back to Diego. “See you here tonight after sundown? We can talk more then.”

“I’d really like that, Patch.”

“Great!” And with a wave goodbye, Patch hiked back up the sand dune, back towards the castle. Now it was just the two Hargreeves kids again.

“Aw,” Klaus suddenly said out of nowhere, “was that a lovelorn sigh that just came out of your mouth?”

“What? No! If I did, it must’ve been some involuntary --”

“--Reaction to the fact that you’re in loooove.”

“Shut up!” Diego shoved his shoulder. “And how do you know so much about romance all of a sudden? Last time I checked, you’re as single as I am.”

Klaus just shrugged, wearing a weird grin under his red cheeks.

“Wait, Klaus - are you seeing someone now?”

“Maybe?”

“Tell me! I want to know everything about this poor sucker.”

“Okay, okay, well, his name is Dave.”

“And?”

“And that’s all I really know about him. We just met about a week ago. Well, he’s blond, too.”

“How come I’ve never seen him at any of the castle balls?”

“Because he’s a human?”

Oh. Does he...does he know that you’re not a human?”

Klaus blinked. “Of course. Does Patch know about you?”

“Oh yeah, she definitely knows.” Which was just how Diego liked it. After all, he couldn’t risk her finding out the truth.


	2. Chapter Two

On a sunny morning one week after that, while sitting on a rock wall overlooking the beach, Prince David and Captain Eudora Patch of the Royal Guard spat cherry stones into a basket. 

 

Patch bit into another cherry. “I don’t care if it’s ‘against protocol,’ I still want to dance at this ball tomorrow night. Plus, technically, I’m the Captain, so I make the protocol so --”

 

“So doesn’t that mean that all the other guards have the option to dance too?” Dave asked.

 

“If they want to, I guess.” Patch spat out the cherry stone. “Is this gonna be another one of those balls where you have to look for an arranged marriage?”

 

“Luckily, no,” Dave sighed, “I have another year or two before the law makes me get a consort.”

 

“But why should that still be the case? Even though you're just a prince, your parents are dead…”

 

“I don’t know. It’s just always been that way. But all of the proposed matches so far have been so terrible.”

 

“No one like Klaus so far, huh?”

 

“What - what do you mean? I-i’m not --”

 

“Klaus? Who you were telling me about earlier? The nonbinary --”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I know who you’re talking about but….he’s not royal.” He shook his head. “And so far he’s the only one I’d actually like a chance with.”

 

“Does he know that you’re the prince?”

 

“Well, he didn’t recognize me when we first met, plus he said he’s from another kingdom, so no. And...and I don’t know if I want to tell him who I am yet.”

 

Patch shrugged. “Well, I haven’t told Diego that I’m the Captain of the Royal Guard yet.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I told the last man I dated who I was, and he tried to rope me into his plot to steal the crown jewels,” she said bitterly.

 

“Wait,  _ that’s _ who that was?” Dave asked. “ _ That _ was Leonard or Harold or...I don’t remember his real name.”

 

“Yeah, me either. But I’m glad he’s in jail for life now. All I remember is that he lived on the edge of town, right next to the bar, in a  _ huge  _ house. I don’t see why he needed to steal the crown jewels.” She started to reach over for another cherry, then put down her arm. “You know, it’s so weird that the two people we’re dating are siblings.”

 

“Well, at least we can both go over to meet their family in the same trip,” Dave cracked. “After the ball and everything dies down.”

 

Patch’s face suddenly lit up. “Speaking of the ball, I have a great idea…”

\---

“Why are you two invited to a human ball?”

 

That afternoon, while swimming back down from the shoreline, Klaus and Diego jumped as Five swam in front of them, arms crossed.

 

Klaus shook his head. “Five, how did you hear about that??”

 

“You two talk very loudly.”

 

Diego coughed. “Five, we’d really appreciate it if you didn’t tell Luther or anyone about this just yet--”

 

“Why not?” Five bit out. “He’d be thrilled that you two got the chance to get one of his siblings into some diplomatic arranged marriage with human royalty.”

 

“Five,” Klaus countered, “we’re not going there to meet the prince. We were invited by an officer of the Royal Guard and….the son of a baron, I think? He didn’t really elaborate on that part.”

 

“Hold on,” Five said with a grin, “are these the humans you’re with who still think you’re human too? Because if so, there’s no way you’ll be able to keep up this charade tomorrow.”

 

“No, really?” Diego asked sarcastically.

 

“That’s what we’re trying to figure out!” Klaus said. “And so far the only option _ I  _ can think of is tracking down The Handler.” He froze, realizing that he’d just mentioned tracking down  _ The Handler  _ to  _ Five. _ “But obviously that can’t be the right -- ”

 

“Of course that’s not the right option!” Five yelled. “In case you haven’t noticed, when we were all thirteen and I was feeling like I was always in Luther’s shadow, I made a deal with that sea witch to help me  _ stand out, _ and she cursed me into an old man with a pre-teen body! Why she did  _ that _ of all things I still don’t --” He quickly wiped away welling tears. “And even if you don’t care about  _ me, _ look what she did to Luther! He told her he wanted to become a stronger king, and she changed him into a monkey man! She’ll just manipulate you so that she gets a rise out of you both,” he spat, swimming away. 

 

Five turned around. “And if you two weren’t completely clueless, you’d stay away from her.”

 

After giving Five a big group hug, Klaus and Diego waved as Five swam off again.

 

Klaus sighed. “If we get help from The Handler to make us temporarily human, it’ll kill him.”

 

“There’s got to be an easier way to do this. There has to be, right?”

 

“Right. We just have to find it.”

  
  
  
  


A little while later, they found themselves at the entrance to The Handler’s lair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh jeez five's gonna be so pissed when he hears about this


	3. Chapter Three

Diego and Klaus stood outside The Handler’s lair for a full two minutes before Diego broke the silence. “Are you sure you want to do this? Because we could just go back to Luther and keep annoying him about using his trident to--”

 

“I think we both know that’s not going to work. No matter how good of an ‘alliance’ it might get our family,” Klaus said. “Besides...I keep thinking of that story you told me about that human fisher-woman you tried dating before Patch. I can’t get it out of my head.”

 

“Yeah, well, that is the reason I’m lying to Patch in the first place.” A year or so ago when this happened, and things were getting pretty serious between them, Diego revealed his tail to her. 

 

And she screamed. She actually  _ screamed and ran away. _ Diego never heard from her again.

 

“Of course,” Klaus started, “there’s always the chance that Patch and Dave would be totally fine with all of this, and not be…”

 

“Yeah, but we’re already too deep into this lie, so we might as well see it through.”

 

Klaus snorted. “Sweet Poseidon, that sounds like something I would say.”

 

“Well, you’re a terrible influence,” Diego cracked.

 

_ “Ahem.”  _ The siblings looked up to see a dark-skinned merwoman with cropped blond hair staring at them from inside the lair. A pale, bearded merman floated next to her in the giant cave’s entrance. Cha-Cha and Hazel. Five had warned all of his siblings about The Handler’s two best enforcers, in case either of them ever swam by to rope someone into a deal.

 

Cha-Cha moved some hair forward from behind her ear. “So...are you two going to come in here or not? There’s no reason to be scared of her.”

 

“Yeah besides,” Hazel added, “we have donuts.”

 

“Are they the kind of donuts where if you eat them you’re trapped in this lair forever?” Diego asked delicately.

 

Cha-Cha shrugged. “No, they’re just regular. There’s no curses on them or anything.”

 

Klaus and Diego still didn’t eat or drink anything that was offered to them throughout the whole bargain.

 

\---

 

“Then it’s settled,” The Handler announced after everything had gotten settled with everyone inside her lair. “We’ll order some powdered sugar donuts for Hazel, blueberry for Cha-Cha, and marble frosted for me.” She handed Hazel a note with the orders on it. “If we place the order before lunchtime --”

 

“I thought we were still talking about our thing?” Klaus asked.

 

The Handler rolled her eyes. “Oh right. That.” She snapped her fingers, and a sunken wineglass filled with still-squirming shrimp zoomed into her hand. She plucked out a shrimp and ripped its head off with her teeth. “We’ll have to swim over to The Mermaid Bakery later.”

 

“I still can’t believe it’s called  _ The Mermaid Bakery, _ ” Cha-Cha grumbled.

 

“Anywho,” The Handler started again, “the terms of the deal are also clear and settled. I will make you two human for the next twenty-four hours only, from tonight to tomorrow night. No need to perform true love's kiss, no need to give me your voices. Just a simple in-and-out bargain.”

 

“So how do you want us to pay you, then?” Diego asked. 

 

_ Snap. _ “No need,” The Handler replied, “I already collected my payment.”

 

Klaus blinked. “I don’t feel any different.”

 

“Me either,” Diego said. “Wait, Klaus, why does it look like someone took a knife and cut some tips off your hair?”

 

“I could ask the same to you! What happened?” 

 

The Handler laughed. “I did! That was the payment I took….What? You never know when a potion will call for some strands of hair.”

 

“But why _hair?_ ” Diego asked. “I know Luther had to give you a vial of his tears as payment, and then you used that to make that potion to...improve him. But you said you already have our leg potion ready. So what would you still need with things from  _ us? _ Do you need it to make some other spell involving the two of--”

 

“It is  _ very  _ impolite to demand a service for a very low pay and then complain about the process it takes to get it  _ done,” _   The Handler huffed. “Also, if I told you what I needed your hair for, it would ruin the surprise.”

 

“What surprise?” Diego asked.

 

She grinned. “How much I’m going to make you two regret this decision.” She nodded to Cha-Cha, who grabbed a glass vial filled with weird blue liquid and threw it down in front of the siblings with a  _ smash.  _ Cha-Cha, Hazel, and The Handler swam back as the blue stuff filtered into the ocean and adhered onto Klaus’s and Diego’s tails. Their fins started to tear in two --

 

New legs squirming around, mouths clamped down as they tried to hold in as much air as they could, Diego and Klaus darted upward to break the surface before their human lungs gave out from a lack of oxygen.

 

The remaining trio just waved at them sarcastically as the others fled.

 

“N’siya tovah, chaverim!” The Handler called out to them. As soon as the siblings were out of sight, they all laughed.

 

“That ball’s going to be such a disaster,” Cha-Cha said.

 

“And that’ll make it all the more easier for us to swoop in amidst the chaos and take over that coastal human kingdom,” The Handler declared. “Or the mer kingdom. Whichever turns out to be easier for us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the commission has some pretty sneaky stuff going on....
> 
> yes, it really is called "the mermaid bakery," because i don't know. *i* thought it would be funny....
> 
> whoever spots the spongebob reference in this chapter is awesome
> 
> "n'siya tovah, chaverim!" is hebrew for "safe travels, friends!" the handler always uses yiddish/hebrew slang so i thought i'd throw some more in.


	4. Chapter Four

After crawling their way across the sand to an empty spot on the beach, Diego and Klaus passed out six feet apart from each other on the sand that night. When they woke up the next morning, Diego had sand in his mouth, Klaus had a crab scuttling over his stomach, and --

 

“Poseidon almighty, we both need clothes,” Klaus almost yelled, sitting up so that the crab got scared and scampered off of him completely.  _ “Shit.” _

 

“How are we going to find clothes if neither of us even have one sand dollar on us?”

 

“They don’t use sand dollars up here, dude, they use _ land _ dollars! Remember?!”

 

“They’re just called dollars here! And last time I checked, we don’t have any of those either!” Diego almost shouted. Then he realized how bizarre it would look if some human walked by and saw two naked people screaming at each other about money. (But thank the  _ gods, _ no one ever did walk by.)

 

Left with no other choice, Klaus decided to break into a seaside clothing store that hadn’t opened yet, and steal some clothes from there. As he ran back to his brother, he plopped down the giant ball of clothing he’d swiped up in a rush. “Have at it.” While Diego shoved on a leather jacket and suit on top of his gray shirt, Klaus jumped into a bright green skirt and a black coat he buttoned down to his belly button.

 

“We don’t need shoes, right?” Klaus asked.

 

“No, we’ll be fine. Human feet are really tough, right?”

 

Wrong! As they stumbled up off the beach, their feet stuck into the rubble of the unpaved roads lining the seaside town around them. 

 

“Dear gods, it’s like walking on broken  _ glass,” _ Diego complained as he and Klaus sat down in some grass to rest their already tired feet.

Luckily for the two of them, help was on the way. Twenty feet up the road, Patch was telling Dave all about a robbery that morning that Officer Beaman had been investigating that morning.

“So in the end, Beaman just decided to give up,” Patch said, “since the thief didn’t leave behind any evidence in the store that he could’ve tracked them with. But the thief took some really random stuff from in there, like a leather suit, a winter jacket --”

“Pff, what an idiot,” Dave laughed --

Ten feet down the road now, Diego and Klaus were sitting down in the grass, respectively wearing a leather suit and a winter jacket.

“Wait a second, those are  _ our _ idiots.”

“ _ Please _ don’t make me arrest them, Dave.”

“Wasn’t going to….. _ Hey! _ We’re so glad you two could make it.”

“Hello!” Diego waved back. “We’re so glad we could --”

“Jesus Christ,” Patch said suddenly, “why aren’t you two wearing any  _ shoes?” _

“..Because we couldn’t find any? I don’t know. But I wish we did.”

“Yeah, that was really stupid of you,” Patch laughed.

_ “Really _ stupid,” Dave agreed. “Klaus, I might just have to carry you around all day,” he winked.

Klaus burst into a ripple of nervous laughter. “Well -- well, I mean….I mean you probably could, you’re so strong.”

“Tell you what,” Dave replied, lifting him up by the armpits, “I’ll carry you to the Royal Guard headquarters. There’s always some old pairs of boots lying around.”

As they walked away, Diego snorted. “Oh Dave,” he mock-swooned to Patch, “you’re so…. _ strong.”  _ Both of them burst out in laughter. “So Patch, are you gonna carry me down there too?” he winked.

Patch jerked her head down so he wouldn’t see her cheeks getting hot. “Not everyone is as buff as you, Diego. I’m just gonna walk down there myself and pick you up a pair.”

“And leave me here all alone?” he called after her, jokingly putting a hand to his chest.

_ “And _ get you the dirtiest, stinkiest pair of boots they have left over.”

“Lovely. That’s no way to treat a guest!”

\---

After a quick boot detour, the two couples split up to spend the afternoon together before the ball that night. Patch and Diego went into town to explore the village - despite Diego stumbling over his new legs every now and then.

“Someone really needs to get over their sea legs,” Patch laughed, helping to steady Diego (again).

“Sea le -- what? What’s  _ that  _ supposed to mean? Do you think I’m a merman or --?”

“Why would I think you’re a merman?” Patch asked. Diego almost sighed in relief. “I just mean that you spend so much time in the ocean it must be hard to adjust back to walking.”

“Yep. That’s my problem. Always has been,” he answered. “And I have even less of a clue of how I’m gonna dance at this ball tonight.”

“Well, lucky for you, I’m in the same boat.”

She blinked as Diego gave her a weird look. “No one’s ever asked you to dance before?”

“Well, yes, but that’s not the point. Royal guards just don’t have the time to unwind, let alone --”

“Well, it should be the point! You’re so kind and confident and smart and beautiful and --  _ Shit.” _

 

They both stopped in their tracks. “Diego,” Patch started, “did you just call me beaut --”

“No!  _ No. _ Why would I….Is that okay? Are you okay with the fact that…”

“That you think I’m beautiful?”

“That I think I’m in love with you.”

Patch just stared at him.

“I know, I know, we’ve only known each other for what, one week? But in that time, we’ve learned so much about each other and I really feel like --”

Patch shut him up with a kiss, which he gladly melted into. When she broke it off, she added sadly, “You don’t know everything about me.”

“Like what?....Are you secretly a mermaid or something?”

“No? What makes you -- never mind. What I haven’t told you is that I have to go now because I’m actually the _ Captain  _ of the Royal Guard, and I need to start my next shift in five minutes,” she said. “I should have told you earlier.”

“So does this mean that we can never see each other again, because of your job?”

“Of course not! I still want to be with you! Besides, we just got together.”

“Oh,” Diego realized.  _ “Oh _ . I didn’t think that you really…”

Patch rolled her eyes. “Well, I really do.” She kissed him on the cheek and then started to walk away. “See you tonight.”

As soon as she was clear of the area, Diego sat down on a nearby bench and laughed. Luther was going to have to try to get someone else to go into that stupid marriage alliance. Because he had a girlfriend now who --

“Hello, Your Highness.” Diego looked up to see Cha-Cha --  _ in human form _ \-- standing over him behind the bench.

Slamming his head against the metal armrest of the bench, she knocked him out and dragged him towards the castle prison for a “temporary” holding. 

“One down, one to go,” she gritted out as she dragged him through a back alleyway.

\---

 

Meanwhile, Klaus and Dave had made their way back down to the beach after a quick meal in the village.

“Man,” Klaus said, “it was so hard to eat with those huge air currents making everything fly around.”

“‘Air currents?’” Dave almost laughed. “You mean wind?”

“Yeah, yeah, I guess I do.” Yet again, he knew absolutely nothing about the human world. “Yet again, another example of Klaus Saying Something Stupid.”

“Hey. Don’t say that, you are  _ not  _ stupid. Besides, I’ve probably said even dumber.”

“Well, you’re not the one who tried to eat shriveled up, sand-covered seaweed. And that was the very first time you ever saw me! Why you still went over to say hello, I don’t --”

_ “That  _ was the even dumber thing that  _ I  _ did,” Dave cracked, prompting Klaus to smack him on the shoulder. “But seriously, I am really glad that you and your brother could make it tonight. I...I mean, I really need someone to dance with tonight.”

“Why, are you trying to avoid the prince?”

“That’d be no use. Seeing as I  _ am  _ him and all.”

Klaus just snorted. “Dave, you may be a prince to _ me, _ but I’m pretty sure that I don’t could as a valid --”

“I’m not lying.”

“You’re…..you’re not?”

“No. And I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, I don’t know why I was afraid to tell you. God, I’m a terrible boyfriend.”

“No, no, it’s fine, it’s...I mean, there’s a thousand things I haven’t told you about me -- Did you just call yourself my _ boyfriend?” _

Dave put his head in my hands. “Ohhhh my God. I’ve been thinking that in my head for the past few days but I’ve never brought it up to you or anything, and that’s completely -- ”

“Dave.  _ Prince David.  _ I want you to be my boyfriend.”

“Oh. Well, okay! Well -- should we practice then?”

“Practice what?”

“Dancing?” Dave replied. “But you’ve been seeming pretty shaky on your legs lately, so we’d better start with the basics. May I?”

 

“Sure.”

“So one really easy slow dance is if we’re both in a position like we’re hugging each other,” -- he maneuvered them both to that position -- “and then we just….rock back and forth I guess.”

“Yeah. This dance we’re doing right now is pretty nice, I guess,” Klaus said, snuggling into him.

“Uh, thanks,” Dave said, trying (and failing) not to blush at this. “Uh, Klaus...Klaus, your breath smells like salt water.”

“Gee, thanks,” Klaus griped. _ Shit, _ he thought. They’ve been out of the ocean for a full day and the smell’s still on him. That’s what we get for falling in love in a kingdom by the _ beach. _

“Oh God, I didn't mean that as an insult.”

“What, no! I wasn’t mad.”

“Good. Because I actually don’t mind it. In fact…” He stopped. “In fact, if you’re okay with it, I kind of want to kiss you right now….Is that--”

_ “Please.” _

So they did.

“I have to go get ready for tonight,” Dave said as they broke apart, after what seemed like a very _ long _ time. “But I’ll see you there.”

When Dave had walked away completely, Klaus was left cackling to himself on the sand. “Damn, I really know how to pick em! A prince! He’s an actual -- why is that so amazing, I’m royalty too.  _ Oh my God,” _ he suddenly realized. “Luther just might get that dumb marriage alliance from our family after --”

BAM. He didn’t get to finish his sentiment, as Hazel (again, in human form) had snuck up behind him and knocked him out with a metal bar to the head. With a grunt, Hazel lifted him up and dragged him down to the same holding cell where his brother was. 

There was no way the two of them were going to that ball. The Handler was making sure of that.

When Dave and Patch went back out to the shore that night to greet their dates, they found Diego and Klaus smiling at them with blank eyes and too-wide mouths.

But at least their hair was the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> patch and dave those are evil doppelgangers coming towards you. oh my god they have airpods in. they can't hear us oh my god


	5. Chapter Five

Neither Diego nor Klaus remembered waking up. But a little while after they did, they both found themselves pacing their grimy dungeon cell until their heads spun and they had to sit down. Eventually Cha-Cha and Hazel, who’d been guarding them, got tired of the two working themselves into spirals and walked out of the dungeon completely. After all, it wasn’t like Klaus and Diego had a good chance of escaping.

 

“Is this your first time in here?”

 

Both siblings’ heads whipped around to see the human in the cell across from them staring at them. “If you don’t mind me asking,” the human continued, looking strangely familiar --

 

“Hold on,” Klaus started, “weren’t you that human asshole who pretended to date our sister Vanya so that you could break into our castle and steal a bunch of shit?  _ Harold? _ Or whatever your real name was?”

 

Harold balked and jumped back. “O-only  _ selkies _ are supposed to be able to become human --”

 

“Well, too bad for you,” Diego spat, “because when we get out of this cell --”

 

Klaus shook his head. “We’re never getting out of this cell, are we.”

 

“ _ When we get out of this cell  _ we are going to march over there and -- didn’t you also try to pull a fast one on the Captain of the Royal Guard?” Diego asked suddenly. “I thought I heard her mention someone trying to pull the same con on her before he was  _ sentenced to life in jail.  _ Do you try this on every high-ranking girl you meet?”

 

“Look, I’ll take whatever ‘in’ I can get at this point,” Harold shrugged. “And I’m not scared of you two, by the way.”

 

Klaus and Diego just rolled their eyes.

 

“No really! I’m not! I mean -- I mean, you two can’t even get free of that cell.”

 

“Neither can you,” Klaus grumbled, “so how is that --  _ oh my God we’re never getting out of here.”  _ He put his hands on his head and groaned. “We’re gonna die here without ever telling Dave or Patch the truth.”

 

“They’re both gonna think we’re _ dead,” _ Diego groaned in agreement. “They’re both gonna think we ditched them or that we --”

 

“Not from what I’ve heard,” Harold countered.

 

Klaus’s head jerked up. “What the hell are you going on about now?”

 

“Just the things I’ve heard in passing through these thin thin walls.”

 

“Stop talking in riddles and give me a real answer!”

 

“Yeesh, okay, fine. What I  _ meant  _ was that I heard those two guard people -- Hazel and Cha-Cha, right? -- talking about how they work for this sea witch --”

 

“The Handler?” Diego prompted.

 

“I guess, the only merpeople I really know about are your family. Anyway, someone brought up how she was using hair or something to create these two lookalikes of you, and how she sent them to the ball in your place.”

 

“No,” Diego breathed. The Handler was definitely using the fakes to cause some huge destruction, and Patch would think it was him who was setting the castle ablaze.

 

Five was going to give them both such a  _ huge _ “I told you so” tomorrow.

 

_ Tomorrow. _

 

_ “Klaus,”  _ Diego said, nudging his sibling, “we  _ need _ to get out of here before the end of the night.”

 

“Really? I couldn’t tell.”

 

“I’m serious! The Handler said we had twenty-four hours until the spell wears off, and the spell started last night once the moon had completely risen! The sun is starting to set  _ right now! _ If we don’t get out of here fast,  _ we are going to die in here.” _

 

Harold crossed his arms. “Well, I’m gonna die in here too, you know, but you don’t hear me complaining.”

 

“Shut up, Harold!” Klaus almost yelled. “Diego, how are we going to get out of here?”

 

“At this point, our only way of getting out would be breaking the bars.”

 

“Well, Luther is the only one of us buff enough to do that, and he’s not here right --”

 

“Yes, he is.” Harold whimpered and skittered to the far wall of his cell as the rest of the Hargreeves siblings stood in front of Klaus and Diego’s cell -- _ in human form.  _ (And all fully clothed, thank Poseidon.) “We heard what had happened to you two and thought you’d need some help.”

 

“How are you all human?” Diego asked. “I thought you said that the trident couldn’t do that --”

 

“And it can’t. We had to go see The Handler,” Luther said with a sad smile. “Though I don’t know why she just wanted our hair this time.”

 

“Did she make clones of you all too?” Klaus asked.

 

“...No?” Allison answered. “She seemed too busy keeping tabs on you two.”

 

“Diego, were you seriously going to try to break the bars?” Ben grinned.

 

“What? It could’ve worked. I mean, I’m a man in love, and a man in love has the strength of thousands,” he cracked. Ben rolled his eyes.

 

“Well, I’m nonbinary and in love, and I am smart enough to know that that still doesn’t give me enough arm strength to  _ bend iron,”  _ Klaus snarked.

 

A weird, fake laugh came out of Five’s mouth.  _ “Quit stalling and let us get you out of there.” _

 

“Right, right.”

 

After Luther bent open the bars of the cell with his brute monkey strength, Klaus and Diego ran out and hugged all their siblings. But not for too long -- they all had a ball to save.

 

“Uh, heyyy Vanya,” Harold started as they all started to walk away. “Do you remember --”

 

“No.” Through his bars, she punched him unconscious.

 

And with that, the Hargreeves siblings left the dungeon to stop an even greater evil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get wrecked harold


	6. Chapter Six

At least all of the guests had safely fled out of the palace.

 

Now that that randomly started fire had been (mostly) put out, the only people left in the palace were Dave, a handful of guards and staff, and Patch.

 

Now if only Patch could _ find _ any of them.

 

She ran past the back gardens again to look for the others. A few feet away, she saw a clump of seven people who she couldn’t make out the faces of -- but still definitely weren’t anyone she was looking for. 

 

Suddenly one of the people from the clump came running towards her. “Princess Allison of the Sea Kingdom,” she said, extending a hand to Patch.

 

Patch didn't take it. “Wait, if you’re from the Sea Kingdom, why do you have legs?”

 

“I wish I could explain, but there’s no time.”

 

“And why are you up here? If you don’t mind me asking.”

 

“...A diplomatic mission. Do you have any idea how the palace caught on fire?” Allison asked.

 

“No clue. I wish I did, I mean, I’m the Captain of the Royal Guard, I’m supposed to know about  _ every single _ security breach that happens around here,” Patch sighed. “All I know is that the fire started about ten minutes ago, and we just put it out. Luckily, no one was severely injured.”

 

“Luckily.”

 

“And up until then, there was nothing out of the ordinary going on at the ball we were having.” Well, nothing except the fact that no matter what she or Dave tried, neither Klaus nor Diego wanted to dance. They both just wandered around the ballroom like they were completely bored.

 

Or they were looking for someone.

 

Patch shook her head. The princess probably didn’t want to hear about some weird human romance drama. “There was only one thing that  _ might _ be a lead. Five minutes before the fire started, I happened to look out a main window in the ballroom and see this older blond woman in a suit and mask who was hiding in a --”

 

_ “Cha-Cha.” _

 

Luther, Five, Vanya, and Ben finally caught up to Allison (“How can you walk so fast already with these new legs?” Vanya asked). She turned back to them. “The Captain of the Royal Guard just said that Cha-Cha was here earlier tonight. I don’t know if she’s still here, but -- where’s Diego and Klaus?”

 

“Right here!” The Handler chirped, coming in with Cha-Cha and Hazel holding the siblings in chokeholds, with swords against their necks. The Handler was pointing a knife at Dave. “We’re all right here.” 

 

“Patch..” Dave barely got out, he was so tense, “those were doppelgangers we saw tonight. That...that wasn’t the real them.”

 

“What?” Patch was too on edge to think of anything else to say.

 

“Doppelgangers,” Cha-Cha clarified. “Clones made out of them using some different potions and some strands of their hair.”

 

“Where are the clones now?”

 

The Handler suddenly turned around and waved at some unseen point above the palace. “Self-destructing and destroying the palace.”

 

**_BOOM._ **

 

With the shockwave coming towards them, Five began to teleport his siblings and the humans away from the blast --

 

While The Handler and her goons were caught in the shockwave and blasted back to near oblivion, everyone else teleported safely in one piece, falling back towards the sea.

 

The Hargreeves siblings changed back in midair, gasped around like water-less fish for a bit, then splashed safely into the water. Patch and Dave kept falling deeper into the water.

 

And drowning.

 

_ “No!!” _ Diego and Klaus screamed, immediately diving off separate ways to find them.

 

Klaus sped down to find Dave, nearly hyperventilating all the way. The prince was sinking like a  _ rock _ . What if he wasn’t strong enough to lift him? What if he died before any additional aid could come down --

 

“Luther!!” Klaus called up, even though there was no way he could’ve heard Klaus from six feet down. “Vanya!! Anyone!  _ Please --” _

 

He finally managed to grab a hold of Dave. Hooking both arms under his armpits, he (slowly) swam both of them back up to the beach. “Please be alive, please still be --”

 

Dave suddenly coughed up a storm, then shut his eyes tight to block out the now too-bright sun in his eyes. He opened them towards the ground to look at anything else --

 

Like Klaus’s scaly black tail. “Klaus, why are you….did you always have that tail?”

 

“Since birth,” he sighed. “I don’t know  _ why _ I lied about it.” 

 

“I lied to you about not being a _ prince!  _ This is nothing!”

 

“Oh, no it’s not! Because guess what? I’m also the adopted kid of the Sea King Reginald! That’s right, I lied about  _ two _ things,” he griped. “There is no way you’re ever going to forgive me for --”

 

“...You’re royalty, too?”

 

Klaus collapsed from exhaustion on the sand next to Dave. “Yes. I guess. I’m fourth in line for the throne now. Why does it --”

 

“We could have a marriage alliance.”

 

Klaus jerked around to look at him, face turning red. “W-why are you --”

 

“Hypothetically! Hypothetically,” Dave added, also turning red. “I mean, we _ just _ met each other, and I don’t want to rush into things, but….maybe eventually?”

 

Klaus tackled him into a hug. “Maybe eventually.”

 

Meanwhile, Diego dove in after Patch and sped down after her sinking body. Her hair was flowing out around her bun and she was looking straight up at the crisscrossed blue surface of the water --

 

_ “Nononononono --”  _ Diego kept repeating as he picked her up by the waist and swam up, “This is all my fault, this is all my fault….” He finally grew quiet once he’d placed her back down on the shore and checked her wrist for a heartbeat -- _ “She’s still alive,”  _ he sighed. “She’s --”

 

Patch coughed up some water, caught her breath, and then finally saw Diego’s tail. “Diego…were you….were you always a merman?”

 

_ “....Surprise,” _ he said weakly. “I knew I should have told you earlier. I knew I never should have dragged me and Klaus up here. Now all I’ve done is lead you on and destroy your workplace and --”

 

“Diego. We have more than enough money in the treasury to repair the palace. And sure, I’m surprised -- I mean...I mean who wouldn’t be at all this?” she asked, gesturing to his tail. “But I’m not mad. I mean, I lied to you about my job…”

 

“But that was to keep yourself safe! I only lied because I was afraid of what would happen if you found out the truth.”

 

Patch let out a shaky laugh. “Hargreeves, that’s why  _ everyone _ lies.” She kissed his forehead. “You’re not special.”

 

“Hey, I have a royal pedigree that says otherwise.”

 

“Royal -- you mean your  _ brother _ is the  _ Sea King??” _

 

“The one and only. I know that makes him the more interesting one, but --”

 

“No, it doesn’t. Your tail is way cooler than his.”

 

Diego began to laugh nervously, cheeks getting hot. 

 

Patch shook her head. “So do your siblings know the whole story of what happened these past few days with us and Klaus and Dave?”

 

“Not exactly,” Diego admitted, “but I’m gonna have a hell of a time explaining it to them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed the thrilling conclusion of this story!  
> this disney/fantasy/whatever this is au was really fun to write, if any of you have any suggestions for what story i could au next, i'm all ears!  
> have a fantastic day!

**Author's Note:**

> well....here you go.
> 
> this is by far the worst and weirdest thing i've ever written, but i hope you still liked it lol.
> 
> (the title is from "shallow" by lady gaga, of course.)


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